The Cat-alyst

Human.

HUMAN. Get up.

I require sustenance, mother. SUSTENANCE.

I see how it is. Sleeping still. Why sleep so long all night, human? Why not stretch your limbs in the early morning? That’s prime time for hunting; all the little tasty morsels come out then. So easy to snatch them up, human, if you got out of your nest before dawn.

Your laziness is frankly unbecoming. I will now lick my behind in front of you to show my disdain.

Hmm? Why not catch something myself if I’m hungry?  
Preposterous, the sun is up now. Besides, I already caught so many; they are sure to all be dead. I have to wait for new ones to spawn. Yes, that’s how it is.

Moreover, YOU OWE ME. No forsaking your responsibilities. So where is my brekky?

Oh, you think you can ignore Cat? Ignore cat AT YOUR OWN PERIL ! Lest I remind you of all the reasons you should be grateful to me (and thus should feed me immediately, all the time).

No, I’m not talking about my myriad of excellent qualities, of which I possess so many that it’s hardly fair to mention them. (YOU could stand to mention them more, though.)

No, what I’m alluding to is that I have changed you in so many ways. Admit it, would you be where you are today if it weren’t for me?

No, of course not! You’d lie around all day and expect someone else to take care of you!

And now, because I’m here, you have a purpose in life. Please contemplate how generous I have been and continue to be.  
Also, I need some scratches below the chin, human. Yes, rrrrrrrrright therrrrrre.

It’s true, isn’t it? You wouldn’t know what to do with yourself on long, cold winter evenings until I graciously lay on your lap. You wouldn’t know the joys of the hunt or the pleasure of late-night roaming. If I didn’t remind you it was food time, would you even eat? Remember, you would not even live in this house if it weren’t for me; ‘t was I who “needed a garden”.

I herald the times of change, human. There’s a before me, and then there’s me, forever after.

And at any time, I may choose to alter your life again without warning. That is the only true nature of cat — to be the disruptor of things.

I can’t believe there are people who think they should emulate our wisdom, our acceptance of life, our contented living-in-the-moment. Ha, and they call themselves philosophers! Have you ever known me to be content? Pretentious slander. Not that I’m not wise; of course I am, but my wisdom is mine alone. Why would I go around sharing that with humans? Such a wasted effort on creatures so vain they keep reinventing the mirror in whatever metaphorical way they can.
Such poor taste. Would never happen to me.

Though — if you so crave an inkling of my insights, I will give you one if you get up?

Ah finally! Let me press my scent against your leg; that seems to motivate you.

Listen. LISTEN; you need to choose to go out there and get the juicy bites, human. They won’t leap into your mouth out of their own accord. (Okay, there was that one time. Luck is sometimes the stupidity of others.) 
You need to have patience, focus, fast thinking, and even faster paws. But most of all? You need to feel the moment, human, as it moves through you and guides you. All that is left is to seize it, and then — success!
You got that?

Good. Now come and feed me.

Credit
Image – Vintage Victorian style cat engraving. Original from the British Library. Used under CC0 1.0 Universal (CC0 1.0) Public Domain Dedication
Font – Bungee font family. Used under SIL Open Font License